Healing From Sexual Abuse

"You're only as sick as your secrets."

SEXUAL ABUSE: A sexualized trauma acted out upon a vulnerable or powerless person. The offender is motivated by the sexual and/or emotional satisfaction he/she derives from abusing. Sexual abuse includes one or more of the following:

COVERT ABUSE: Exploitative behaviors or attitudes such as unsettling looks and/or touching, sexual language, overtones, and/or innuendoes.

OVERT ABUSE: Fondling, anal, vaginal or oral penetration, rape, exposure to or inclusion in pornography, and/or group exploitation.

INCEST: When a family member, close family friend, family service provider or caretaker uses their power, resources, and/or knowledge to force a child into sexual activities.

EFFECTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE

Following is a list of SOME of the effects survivors experience as a result of sexual abuse. The effects of abuse are not the same for everyone. They depend upon a variety of factors including length and frequency of the abuse, severity and type of abuse, age at which the abuse began, the relationship between the offender and the survivor, and the response of others if the survivor reported the abuse. Using this list can help you realize that you aren't alone in your struggle.

* Isolation due to the inability to form healthy, satisfying relationships

* Loneliness

* Self-hatred

* Shame

* Obsessive or compulsive guilt

* Inability to trust

* Fear of having a family

* Difficulty identifying feelings

* Avoidance of people who are the same sex as the offender

* Loss of self-confidence

* Poor self-esteem

* Difficulty with normal sexual responses

* Addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, etc.

* Self-mutilation

* Self-destructive behaviors

* Repetition of cycles of sexual abuse, physical abuse, addiction and other forms of self-harm

* Fear of relationships

* Constant searching for the love and acceptance from others that should have been provided by your family

* Child-like feelings

* Disassociation and detachment

* Attacks of panic

* Low expectations or fatalistic life view

* Debilitating fear

* Anger towards authority and those in positions of power (as the offender was)

* Poor body image

* Difficulty with personal boundaries

* Identity crisis

* Feeling incomplete due to the separation between your emotional and physical selves

* Nightmares

* Physical illness for which there is no apparent cause

* Unconscious self-sabotage

* Rageaholic tendencies

The statistics of those sexually abused some time during their lives are staggering. The number of children sexually abused are innumerable, and statistics aren't very accurate because they only reflect those cases that are known about. To consider how many others have been abused, yet live in the secrecy of that abuse, would boggle the mind.

Most perpetrators of sexual abuse know their victims and their families. Some victims remember the details of the abuse; others only have a feeling that something isn't quite right. Victims are taught that the abuse is their fault, and in response to that learning, they often take on the shame that doesn't belong to them. And eventually, they turn on themselves and become their own abuser, or worse yet, they perpetuate the cycle and abuse others later on.

The devastation brought about by sexual abuse, whether it is a one-time incident, or violates an individual on a regular basis is limitless. The ability to trust is almost destroyed. Those that should be trusted cannot be trusted. When the abuse is spoken of, often times those told reject the reality of the abuse, or blame the accuser. The effects of sexual abuse are long-lasting and far-reaching.

Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse: What We Would Like You To Know About Us

* We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives.

* Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

* Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

* Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse "on the back burner" does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them.

* Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because:

1. We are working on separating the past from the present.

2. Pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously.

3. It is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked as children.

Sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension.

* We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.

* We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

* There is nothing wrong with us as survivors - something wrong was done to us.

* Sometimes others get impatient with us for not "getting past it" sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is patience and support.

     Right now it is very important to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen overnight.

* Your support is extremely important to us. Remember, we have been trained to hold things in.

1. We have been trained not to tell about the abuses. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: We were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc.

2. We have been threatened verbally and/or non-verbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.

* Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own.

* There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody - from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education - may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.

* We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

* We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions.  You can help by:

1. Listening

2. Reassuring us that you are not leaving.

3. Not pressuring us.

4. Touching (with permission) in a non-sexual way.

* Our therapy does not break up relationships - it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present.

* Grieving is part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves.

Do you have a question or comment about our site? Are you just looking for some friendly support? We'd love to hear from you! Please e-mail us at amstoneus@yahoo.com or write to: Serenity Quest P.O. Box 204 West Covina, CA 91793