Two drunks are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car's lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.
"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."
They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?"
"No officer. We haven't."
"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked.
"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."
"Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"
The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
================================================================================ I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the great little 13-year-old kid from next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a few buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”He replied, “It was an ID-ten-T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID-ten-T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”
Richard grinned. . .“Haven’t you ever heard of an ID-ten-T error before?”
“No,” I replied.“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T...I used to like the little creep. ================================================================================ An old Italian guy lived alone in New Jersey.He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.I’m getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.I know if you were here my troubles would be over.I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the old man and left.Later, that same day the old man received a telegram from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie ================================================================================ Next month, Ann and I are off to Italy for 10 days, leaving November 1, and returning from Italy via a 33-day cruise, ending in Ft. Lauderdale on December 13.I’m sure this will be our last trip to Europe, with the chaotic financial situation, but this is what we have learned over the years from traveling econo-class and studying hotel and resort brochures:
Old world charm … means … No bath in your room
Tropical … means … Rainy
Majestic setting … means … A long way from town
Options galore … means … Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway … means … Impossible to find or get to, even by local bus
Pre-registered rooms … means … Already occupied when you arrive
Explore on your own … means … Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts … means … They’ve flown in an airplane before
No extra fees … means … No extras
Nominal fee … means … Outrageous charge
Standard … means … Sub-standard
Deluxe … means … Standard
Superior … means … One free shower cap
Cozy … means … Really small
All the amenities … means … ½ oz. of free lotion in room, Denny’s coffee shop a half-mile away
Plush … means … Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes … means … Occasional Gale-force winds (Florida and the Gulf coast)
Light and airy … means … No air conditioning
Picturesque … means … Theme park nearby
Concierge … means … A little stand in the lobby with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast … means … Free muffin and imitation orange drink ================================================================================
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask "Do You Want Fries with That".
4. Put Your Garbage Can on Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds", "Sexual Favors", "Bribe Payoff", "Drug Purchase", etc...
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13.Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask, Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not in the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, " Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called ... therapy.
Lying awake at night wondering...................
If Tuesday Weld had married Billie Sunday would she have been Tuesday Sunday?
When Will Sampson and Iron Eyes Cody went to the old Brown Derby Restaurant in Hollywood, did the Hostess ask them if they had reservations?
Did General Custer wear an Arrow shirt?
To put a picture on the wall, do you need a hang-nail?
If you donate to the earthquake relief fund, are you being generous to a fault?
=================================================================================== I want my children to have all the things I never could afford -- then I want to move in with them. ===================================================================================
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to
put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been lying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs.”
I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all
this stuff?”
“Uh,”… I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know
it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH … I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. ===================================================================================
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
“Make it short,” the customer replied, “with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right
side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right
sideburn below my right ear.”
The barber looked puzzled and said, “I don’t think I can do that.”
The customer replied, “I don’t know why not--that’s the way you cut it the last time I was here!” =================================================================================== During a Law course class, the ‘Audi Alteram Partem’ rule was explained. Translated it means “To hear the other party.”
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn’t understand the rule.
Responded one woman, “My husband.” =================================================================================== Oh, It’s Great to Be a Man !
Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts any time of year, anywhere, day or night, no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes
Kids statements that are a little... off track:
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don’t you cry for me, For I come fromAlabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Eating at a Chinese restaurant
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.
"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
A priest at the preschool
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”
“Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
PARENT - THE JOB DESCRIPTION
POSITION - Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma - Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION - Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! - Travel expenses not reimbursed. - Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES - The rest of your life. - Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. - Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. - Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. - Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. - Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. - Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. - Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. - Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. - Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. - Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION - None. - Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE - None required unfortunately. - On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION - Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses, aballoon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. - When you die, you give them whatever is left. - The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with loveto anyone thinking of applying for the j ob.
** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Lawyer Jokes ===================================================================== Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 80?
A. Your honor. ================================================================== Q. What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
A. Senator. ==================================================================== Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. ==================================================================== The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?" ==================================================================== A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." ==================================================================== A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera , when he met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.
"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi ? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."
"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it’s a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
HEARD AT THE COFFEE BAR
"There are two types of problems; real and imaginary. Those that cannot be solved are imaginary."
"I can never make another person better with criticism."
"Yesterday is a Canceled Check, Tomorrow is a Promissory Note, But Today is Cash."
"Once you have acquired all the knowledge you can, it is then time to start learning."
"You know you are an addict, if you have been married three times and you still have the same in-laws."
Do Cats Go to Heaven?
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of
roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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