GOOD GRIEF

Part 1 
 

By blessst

A friend asked me to write an article for a 12 step website, and it occurred to me that grief would be a good topic.  I recently lost the most influential woman in my life to cancer and I am sad.  Nine years ago, I also lost my only child in a car accident, and despite being well ingrained in the 12 step way of life ( I had 11 years at the time), it devastated me and tested my faith in God.  Shortly after, I lost my sponsor and all but one baby, they said something about me not being the same person.  I have known a great deal of loss. 

So, I turned to the Big Book to begin my research.  I have an index of words and corresponding page numbers for the Big Book and was very surprised to see that the word “grief” did not appear in the Big Book, not even once.  Now I don’t know about you, but when I got to program, because of my sensitive nature, ( ok, victim mentality) everyday words often took on a connotation that had nothing to do with its real meaning.  I had to learn what people were saying without my diseased mentality.  So, I looked up the word in the dictionary. 

Grief: n. deep mental anguish as that arising from bereavement. 

I was still curious about this word still not being in the Big Book, so I asked some friends in the program, why this might be the case.  They were also surprised and then one of my fellows in recovery (Don the man) suggested that maybe it was because the Big Book was written by men in a time when men were maybe not so comfortable talking about their feelings.  He also suggested that I look up the stages of grief as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  I find it to be the easier softer way these days to follow direction, so I did. 

The 5 stages of grief are: 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance 

Hmmmmmmmmm, these words look familiar.  They look like the stages of my 12 step disease.

So, I have a proposition for those of you that are grieving.  If you have experienced a loss or losses that stand in the way of the happy, joyous and free life as promised to us in the Big Book, below is a writing exercise.  Write freestyle or the four column method, whichever you prefer.  I believe this will help with any loss, be it a loved one, a job, a home. 

I will do the exercise, and post Good Grief, part 2 in 30 days.  If you choose to take on this mission, I also invite you to post.  Contact information for this website is on the home page. 

WRITING EXERCISE 

Have I buried my losses (no pun intended) and ignored the effect they might be having on me and my relationships with other people? 

Have I been more irritable than usual? 

Have some old controlling behaviors cheeped back in more regularly in my life? 

I am constantly going to my higher power for why answers?  Asking God to explain himself? 

I am going to fewer meetings than I used to? 

Have I stopped eating properly? Am I sleeping poorly?  Has my health worsened?  Have I taking any medications prescribed for me? 

Does my anger flair up over things I would not normally snap about? 

Have I stopped living life on life’s terms? 

Do I accept my life as it is right now, today? 

Have I tried using the 12 steps to work through my grief? 

Do I go to empty wells (non-responsive people) to talk about my grief, hence avoiding progress? 

I am feeling sorry for myself because of the loss? 

See you next month, God bless. 
 

The 20th Always Comes Around

It's been four long and painful months....the 20th is here

I remember kissing you on the cheek, running my hands through your hair...... the

20th is here.

Why is it that every 20th at 1:20 pm makes my heart break a little more?  The 20th

is here.

I still remember the feel of your hair and your smell......the 20th is here.

You are always in my heart and on my mind yet...

when the 20th comes around the pain comes so hard.

I talk to you and send you my love always yet......when the 20th comes around I do

it more.

I am trying my son to not letting the 20th hit me so hard.

I wish that we could just skip the 20th.

             I love you David Jacob and miss you. Forever 18 always & forever in my

heart.

  Love Always & Forever

Momma

IF ONLY

If only...

I could hear your warm, soft laughter.

I could see a smile light up your eyes.

I could feel your loving arms around me.

I could hear you say I love you.

I could even listen to you grumble.

...Just one more time

But, if I am still and listen...

I can hear a hint of your laughter in the rustling of the leaves.

I can see your eyes shining in the reflection of the lake.

I can feel your peaceful embrace in the warm sunshine.

I can hear you whisper 'I love you' in the breath of the wind.

I can hear you grumble in the thunder of the storms.

You are not gone but all around and within me.

...If only I am still and listen.

Dedicated to my Daddy.  I love you; you will always be in my heart. 

- Kimmer

                                      Memorial ©

Days go by, gratefully,

where I'm not overwhelmed by your absence.

You're still here, in the back of my mind,

laughing, carrying on in your sweet fashion,

providing strength and protection

from life's threats and challenges.

Something happens, I see a funny commercial or picture,

or marvel at an afternoon full of color

and I think of calling, to share it with you,

and remember, phone lines don't reach heaven.

For a brief instant, a flood of grief washes over me.

I feel totally alone. But you rush in,

filling my heart with undying love and eternal peace,

reminding me you're even closer now,

for you live within every cell of my being,

you're warmth and memories are melded with mine.

We are, truly, one. I hug myself, our-self,

and wish only that you could hug me back.

I love you.

 

For all those absent from our table, but ever present

in our hearts, let us be grateful today.

For the peace and strength that comes from their memories,

let us give thanks. For the comfort that comes

from our loved ones still breathing,

let us draw closer to one another in passionate resolve

to make each day one of love, support and unity. I love you.

by John Hathaway

 

 

Don’t Grieve

 

                               Look to the sunrise, I'll watch it with you,

                        gaze at the stars and I'm there.

                    Feel the soft breeze in the afternoon,

                      that's me, gently brushing your hair.

                     I'm the unexpected giggle,

                      the tug pulling at your heart's strings.

                    The tear in your eye, the breath in your sigh,

                 part of me is in everything.

                    And though God has called me to heaven,

                    part of me remains ever with you.

                  So, please don't grieve, for I'll never leave,

                I'll be with you in all that you do.

                (For all of us from all of them)

 

                                                  by John Hathaway

                                             

 

I’m Only in the Other Room

“My Father called, and,

I’m sorry I had to leave.

It’s O.K.  I know you love me when you grieve.

I’m now standing in glory with God,

And that,  you must believe.

There will be times when you’ll wish

I was back, but, just remember this:

I’m only in the other room,

The one my Master made for me.

I’m only in the other room,

That space in your hearts,

You saved, just for me.

I’m only in the other room,

                                         I love you each, as love should be.

 There’ll come a time, when we’ll reunite…

  It’s in the other room.”

                                                                  By Brenda VanderWerff

Posted in honor of the memories of the lives of my three loving brothers: Jim, Ed and Richard Covert

 and my sister, Ailene Covert.